Me

Love an emotion that I’m still struggling with loving myself, accepting love from others, feeling love from my family what it truly means to love another person. I’m just learning to love myself to accept the person that I’m now and becoming the person I want to be. I know that loving yourself plays a big role in that because if I loved myself I would sabotage myself with bad habits, thoughts, feelings and emotions. But also accepting love from others I love my family thats automatic and unconditional for them but I don’t feel that it’s unconditional for me thats my negativity working because I always feel like someone is judging me but it’s me judging myself because I give up on myself way to quickly and give into my negative thoughts and emotions and instead of believing in myself and loving myself enough to believe that I want to change and not giving a fuck about what anyone else says and giving into the feeling of loving myself and being happy. Letting go to now worry that’s one thing that I have learn to love the lord I know that the lord has been with me my entire life but last year I decided to give my life to christ and I love the lord for everything that he’s brought me through my 31 years before I gave him my life and for loving me first. Ive been in love once really in love and it changed me as a person but it made aware of how love can be the most amazing thing in the world, when it’s new and your entire world is you and you’re discovering things about them and new things about you it’s amazing but it can also be awful when you lose that love and there’s always one person left with a broken heart which was me and no I wasn’t perfect and yes it was my first love but no excuses but being loved by a good man changed my life gave me the ability to learn so much about life, love, happiness and I think once you know that someone really, really loves you and you really, really love them it changes you makes you erase doubt, let go of your fears, happy is easy. Its amazing and I’ve experienced that in many different forms but I think to love yourself more, knowing yourself and letting go of any self-doubt and just going with it is love. Love for me is my family of course, my friends now, the ones that I’ve lost and the friends that I haven’t yet, my career that I’m fostering with experience daily, the Yankees of course the worlds best baseball team and lastly it just needs to begin with me finally stop worrying about everyone else and concentrate on loving me first and I’m quite sure so many things will fall into place. :) MLB

Happy

Happy - feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. This is this one constant emotion that I’m looking for in my life there are so many moments in my life that I’ve been happy but so few of those moments I wasn’t thinking when that moment would end and when would the other shoe drop. I want to be happy without worry or fear. I just want to be in that moment and have it last to feel that happiness inside myself so I can see it as well. So my question to myself have I ever truly been happy? It’s very true I have a problem with letting go of everything do its automatic for me to go to the negative emotion always. Literally, I can tear up a moment over think it and kill it in mind before anything has even happened. If I’m over thinking everything then I trying to figure out not to get hurt or have my feelings. But what I’ve learned about my life is that in doing that I have let my fear overtake me and I haven’t been happy because I’ve been trying to protect myself and my emotions and that has held me back from so many things, opportunities and experiences. I have done this because I didn’t want to hear no, be rejected or didn’t want someone no to like me. Doing all those things has slowly taken my happiness from me and put it onto other people both good and bad people but I’ve let it happen. Just this moment I’ve realized this and even though it’s hard to ask the question: Why aren’t you happy? And the answer is me and as much I don’t want to admit that its the truth. It hard to realize that I have let negative thoughts and fear rule my life for at least the past 12 years it a hard revelation but its the truth. So now the question is how am I gonna stop the negativity and truly be happy?

This is my first blog entry and before you think that this is self-indulgent. My life is good and bad filled with many high and lows about things that everyone is going through. Because i constantly think that no one is going through the same things i am I always think that everyone has it together but me. Life is growing up, constantly learning from your mistakes, falling in and out of love, moving on and letting go of love, finding a fulfilling career balancing family, work, friends, life and love. This blog is a way for me to express my feelings and thoughts because I’m very quite, very quite. But I have to find a way to be loud and express my personality because one good thing about getting older is that you care less and less about what people think or say about you. So follow me on my journey to the person I was put here on earth to become I’m sure it will be a bumpy ride. :) mb